I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
