Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
