Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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