shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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