i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
