I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
