i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
