When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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