i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Randomize
