I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
