shes about as inviting as chlamydia
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Randomize
