remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Randomize
