the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
