You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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