Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
