I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
