you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
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