How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
