I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Ladies don't puke and tell
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
