oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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