dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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