Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
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