remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
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