shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
cat food counts as protein by the way
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
