i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
