The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
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