dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
