Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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