I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Randomize
