I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Randomize
