I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
