I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Someone came in the potted fern
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
