i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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