I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
