Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
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