Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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