Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
