My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
