I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
