my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
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