Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
