dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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