Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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