I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
