i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Randomize
