the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
