apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
