i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
