I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Randomize
