I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
