And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
