onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
